Far be it from me –

No Child Of Mine by Judith Haire

on July 31, 2017

 

Don’t talk.    Don’t feel.   Don’t be.  Learn to hide your feelings and thoughts.  Yes that’s better.  Blame the illness on your genes.   You’re mad.   You’re bad.  There’s no hope for you and we told you so.  You can’t blame us  –  you made your choices. We tried to help you when you were a teenager and very depressed.  Don’t you remember?   We took you to see a Child Guidance Specialist.  He gave you Diazepam and Mogadon didn’t he.   Yes it was a shock to us all when you became psychotic.    A cocktail of psychotropic drugs, electro convulsive therapy and shame.  There, that’s the best we can do.  We did come to see you in hospital.   We came every day.  Some days the nurse told us not to bother because you were in your own little world.  The psychiatrist told us he thought you were hallucinating and having delusions.  We were very worried about you when you said you didn’t want to take your medication any more.   Shouldn’t you have been on a maintenance dose?  Yes we knew you had side effects but surely there was other medication you could have taken for those?  Oh and you have cataracts?  Don’t worry we can operate on your eyes – did you take Chlorpromazine by any chance?  We’ll get your sight back.  And your eyes will be like brand new.  

 

You can’t have your job back you’re dead wood and you’ve taken too much sick leave.

Try to do something useful with your life dear.  Oh you wanted children?  Well it’s probably best you didn’t.  Not with your history.  

 

It’s not our fault.   We had no idea you were struggling.  We didn’t realise just how far we had pushed you.  Now you say you were in an abusive relationship well we told you to leave.  Yes you did leave and you broke down.  That’s what comes of bottling it all up dear.

No one can hear your headaches you’ve got to find your voice.  

I can hear screaming.  After a moment I realise it’s me.  I’m sobbing.  I shout out “He’s going to get me”  I sit up suddenly. I shake.  

 

I’m cold.  I wrap myself more tightly in my blankets and try to sleep.  Memories of another day are receding.  Full of self-loathing I promise myself I will seek help tomorrow.   I pick up the phone.  I talk to a well being practitioner.  I  explain  I’m having night terrors.  She tells me that children have night terrors,  I know.  They’ve never gone away.   I can hear her typing.    She doesn’t understand.   I go to one session of counselling.  I go to another but leave half way through.  Still, no one hears my voice;

 

© Judith Haire 2017

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Dr Goat's Blog

Putting hoof to keyboard to bring you views from the farmyard on public health, public mental health and related issues. And goats. These views are my own, and do not represent those of any organisations or endorse any political perspective - but whatever I'm eating may have been stolen.

Social Anxiety Revealed

the blog of the book

the free psychotherapy network

free psychotherapy for people on low incomes and benefits

An' de walls came tumblin' down

about writing and social anxiety

BeaconLit

The yearly literary festival in the heart of Buckinghamshire

Keeptheban- news

Campaigning to protect the 2004 Hunting Act

more follows

Because politics isn't just something that happens in the Palace of Westminster

the main offender

Tales of living with borderline personality disorder, working in mental health and all the bits in between.

sdbast

Just another WordPress.com site

sunnyclaribel

4 out of 5 dentists recommend this WordPress.com site

victimfocus

Exploring best practice and research in sexual violence. A loud voice in the fight against victim blaming. Written and Managed by Jessica Eaton, Doctoral Researcher in Forensic Psychology

ALT-POLITICS

Politics For The People

Cortical Chauvinism

A site discussing autism related issues

Not quite curvy; definitely real

Tales of a mental mental health campaigner...

BOOKS FROM DUSK TILL DAWN

Each night I travel the world, I live in the minds of killers and walk at the side of heros.

'Personality Disorder' In The Bin

A collective space for all those wishing to resist, oppose or critique the label 'personality disorder'

DWPExamination.

RELOADED - Free Speech

%d bloggers like this: